I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
synchronized noseblowing
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
also my go-to takeaway order
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.