I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
You Might Also Like
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
