I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
You Might Also Like
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.