I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
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Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Saying “Hmmmmmmmm” when my boss walks in so he knows I’m thinking about stuff
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say