Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.

Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.

basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.