I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
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Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
just got my engagement photos
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Love this one 😂🧟
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.