I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
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“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I have a place for everything. The floor.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.