Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

They’re called werewolves.

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.