I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
You Might Also Like
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
This can never not be funny 😭😭
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
getting seasonal up in here
