I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
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(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.