I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
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my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Genius idea!!
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
beware of dog
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.