Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

I’ve disappointed better people.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on