I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.

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Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.


I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.


“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”


Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.


Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.


I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.