My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
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I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!