“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.
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Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
[my 1st day as a doctor] I can’t find a pulse
[patient] that’s a trashcan. I’m over here
[me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying
complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins
i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING