My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.
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Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Her: You only think about yourself.
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.