@Home_Halfway

I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.

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@TheTweetOfGod

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

@Marlebean

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

@pooja_sinhaa

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

@ibid78

[my 1st day as a doctor] I can’t find a pulse
[patient] that’s a trashcan. I’m over here
[me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying

@iwearaonesie

complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories

@ehchinoo

Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins

@donttouchjames

i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out

@JohnLyonTweets

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

@Sanbel11

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

@flashember

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING