Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

we’re dead?

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts