I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
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You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
What do you hear?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
all that yoga finally paid off
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye