I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
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EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…