I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
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Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Today’s Times
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Word!
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.