Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

make up your mind

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

[Girl’s night out]

Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there

Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Funeral Director: Please leave sir

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.