I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.