I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Me when someone tries to get to know me
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.