Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

This woman is my idol. Free her.

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

britain’s three elite institutions

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there