I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
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Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
when you don’t want to be too vague
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
uncle dave has been through hell
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I feel seen.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s