I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
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Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Cats (2019)
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket