I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
me when the borders lift
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.