Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does