Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

*attaches note to pigeon

*stuffs pigeon into envelope

*has no idea what a book even is*

a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.