Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.

Me: Where’s the 5th?

FG: Cinq.

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

[first day as a fireman]

So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own