I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
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Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..