I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
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My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018