@leontymccarthy

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

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@beefman138

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

@BoogTweets

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

@CovertAgentP

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

@voldemortsbicep

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

@roxiqt

JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-

ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor

LAWYERS: …….

JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

@FeelingEuphoric

[coffee shop]

BARISTA: may i help you?

GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water

@The_Sculptress

I love you guys with all my ass. I would say heart, but my ass is bigger.