@KevinFarzad

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball

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@looktothepickle

Girl, tonight I’m gonna let my body do all the talking..

*squishes flab together to make a mouth out of my bellybutton* HELLOOO! LA LA LAA!

@chick_in_kiev

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

@Contwixt

Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.

@FrenulumBreve

[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”

@noog

“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*

@bornmiserable

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

@Swishergirl24

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

@YourMomsucksTho

You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok