I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball

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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.



I’d like to report a Twief!

911: What?

A Twurglar!

911: I don’t follow

You can’t catch em like that. Hurry they’re getting stars!


Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence


[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water


Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?


MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi


Me: i’ll have a beer

Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy

Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again


BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise


You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: