Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed in case 17 people break in and wanna play baseball
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I’d like to report a Twief!
911: I don’t follow
You can’t catch em like that. Hurry they’re getting stars!
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
Me: i’ll have a beer
Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy
Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists sneak up on Periodic Table, add element of Surprise
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: