There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
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Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed