I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
watching gymnastics
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
When they try to steal your moment.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.