I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Tuesday
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.