I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
You Might Also Like
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.