I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
fly smarter, not harder
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
This squirrel eats better than I do
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?