I always keep a google search for “how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them” open on my phone in case anyone steals it.

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I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after


[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office


Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL

Bartender: I’m cutting you off


People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?


People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like “Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph.”


Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me: Let’s start this again.


Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock


Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?


[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about


Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.