Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
You Might Also Like
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.