I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I always keep a google search for “how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them” open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
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[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like “Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph.”
Me to Dr: I have no energy lately.
Dr: you need to exercise more
Me: Let’s start this again.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.