I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.