I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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I saw nothing
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
I get distracted pretty eas
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
When can I start eating bats again.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
According to math, I’m broke
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”