I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
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Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries