I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
accurate
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself