I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
You Might Also Like
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit