I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.

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SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery


The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.


Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color


My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”


“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.


If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.