@wickedsuga

I always keep a taser on me in case anyone asks if they can have one of my fries.

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@iamrandomape

SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery

[me 3 months later]

I think he had a brewery

@Cognitive_Diss

The 70s had it right.

Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.

@Fredzipfel

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

@raydevito

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

@JeffLoveness

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

@Mirimade

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.