Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
this is the best day of my life
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*