I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
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I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I’m awake but I object,
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on