I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
You Might Also Like
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold