*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
You Might Also Like
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.