Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

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LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.

As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.

cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**

I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?