Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12

Trying to keep the riff raff away.