I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
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If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
🙁
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .