Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.

Fruity

I have no passwords left in me

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

I like crazy people until they notice me

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

#polloftheday

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.