I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
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Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
same but as an audience member
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
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I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.