Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.

Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

also my go-to takeaway order

can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?