I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
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my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I feel it
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.