I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
You Might Also Like
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I told my vodka about you.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.