Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”

*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*

“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you

Me: ooh, what am I wearing

Killer:

Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird