I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
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internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*