Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

A sick whale is called an unwhale

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?

WIFE: Google Earth

ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.