Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
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hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076