@OfficeofSteve

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

You Might Also Like

@DothTheDoth

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

@Kalarlis

hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*

@JeffisTallguy

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

@sara_ashlynn

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

@KeetPotato

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

@meganamram

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

@kyry5

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

@ColdPetRat

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076