I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

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Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists


dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground


I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!


If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity


I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.


Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.


Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child


4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit


Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters