I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
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I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Noah was an idiot.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9