The Backseat Boys
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Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?