Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

🤣

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesitater.

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

What’s so funny?

Both of my boys are heading back to college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

Me trying to reach for my goals

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.