I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
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If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.