Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?