Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you

me: yeah he was not nice

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

ME: “Aloe Vera”

VERA: “Aloe”

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.

app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place