Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

🤣

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.