Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments