I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo