I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out