Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple