I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.