I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
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Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.