I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
incredible
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list