I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
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3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”