I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
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Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
This is I, Robot all over again
✌️
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount