Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.