I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
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DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
❤️❤️❤️
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*