I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
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Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
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Personal question. #JustSaying
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”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
Who does Amazon think I am?
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“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!