Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

No point crayon over spilled milk.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.