I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
You Might Also Like
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.