I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
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Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Don’t forget to tip your server
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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
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[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Before & after 😅
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Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.