I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
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Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Had an epiphany today.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”