Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

Now who done made this a sport lmao

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me

Genie: okay

Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel

Genie: k…

Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s

[McDonald’s]

Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂

Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?

Hello, my name is Pierre.

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

im getting some exciting spam emails lately

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it