Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?

Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.

I just made the PERFECT phone call!

My parents didn’t answer.